just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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