My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
We left an ass print on the piano.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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