I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
