you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
This is the prime rib incident all over again
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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