I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
