thus making me awesome and them whores
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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