Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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