I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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