It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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