I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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