And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
