ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
We're not piercing ourselves today.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
