how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
