The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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