I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
