It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
