Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
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Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
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i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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