Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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