just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
