we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
