so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
