He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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