Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
