Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
