Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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