i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
