There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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