She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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