It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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