i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Randomize
