Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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