I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Randomize
