Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
