When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
