life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
