I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
