Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
