xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
