kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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