Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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