apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
