im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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