i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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