i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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