my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
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He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
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i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
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