Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
