My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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