I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Randomize
