I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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