you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
