very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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