The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
