we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
