Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
