sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
