My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
