another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
